Father of Mine... If Allen has issues with his sister, it's even more true to say that he has Big Issues with his father. Leon Schezar is the source of the vast majority of Allen's psychological muntedness. Indeed, if there's one thing to which Allen can point as the Big Bad that caused all his problems, it's his father's abandonment of the family in quest of... he wouldn't even tell them what, but it took him far away and he never came back, leaving only a journal that no-one in the family could read. Until Dryden's translation of the book and his own visit to Asgard, Allen's anger is directed against an incomprehensible stranger of a father. Which brings me to the title of this page, referring to the Everclear song 'Father of Mine.' With the exception of a few specific points in the lyrics, such as 'a scared white boy in a black neighbourhood' (as a point of interest, the only black person seen in The Vision of Escaflowne is Teo, one of the Crusade crew) and 'the wife I saw you beat,' it's uncanny how closely they mirror Allen's situation and feelings. (This feature owes something to a similar one at the gallant swordsman (alas, defunct), in which emmy cleverly beat me to the point that the song 'Everything You Want' by Vertical Horizon could be about Allen, cause she knew who it was by and I didn't *^.^*) Let's take a close look: Father of mine, Tell me, where have you been? You know I just closed my eyes; My whole world disappeared. Father of mine, Take me back to the day. Yeah, when I was still your golden boy, Back before you went away. I remember blue skys, Walking the block. I loved it when you held me high, I loved to hear you talk. You woud take me to the movies, You would take me to the beach, You would take me to a place inside That was so hard to reach. Love the 'golden boy' image *^.^* It could well be argued that Leon was an even worse father than the 'Father of Mine' one. Perhaps Allen has simply repressed his positive memories of his father, but it's true that while he has flashbacks showing his love for his mother and sister and the happiness he felt when they were together, there is no evidence that Leon ever did nice daddy things like this. Okay, no movies in Asturia, but he could've taken the kids to a Punch and Judy show, fer cryin' out loud! I wonder just how involved Leon wasin his family's life before he went away... obviously he had to be there some of the time for Allen and Celena to be conceived, unless Encia had a guilty secret *^.^* ----   Father of mine, Tell me where did you go? You had the world inside your hand, But you did not seem to know Father of mine, Tell me what do you see, When you look back at your wasted life And you don't see me? Here we have the agonised guts of the song. 'What was so great that you wanted to desert all you had to go after it? Why weren't we good enough for you? Why wasn't I good enough for you? Why didn't you love me enough to stay!?' All good questions, no good answer - as Leon himself realised only too late. He was selfish, he was unrealistic, and he was just plain wrong. ---- I was ten years old, Doing all that I could. It wasn't easy for me To be a scared white boy in a black neighbourhood. Sometimes you would send me a birthday card, With a five dollar bill. Yeah, I never understood you then, And I guess I never will Further suggestions that Leon is an even worse father - there is no evidence that he made any effort to stay in touch with his family while he was away, even to the extent of remembering birthdays or indicating that he gave any kind of damn that he had two young children who were growing up. Allen lived in a 'black neighbourhood' indeed, if we're talking figurative blackness, scary darkness, a hostile, unsympathetic world in which he was a boy trying to be a little man and look after his mother and sister, neither of whom he could protect from their fate. It's not truly rational, but a part of him must feel 'If you had just been there none of it would have happened - or at least I wouldn't have had to deal with it alone and feel responsible.' ---- Daddy gave me a name, My daddy gave me a name, Then he walked away. Daddy gave me a name, Then he walked away. My daddy gave me a name. More than some kids' dads gave them. But pretty hollow when that's all. ----   Father of mine, Tell me where have you been? I just closed my eyes, And the world disappeared. Father of mine, Tell me how do you sleep With the children you abandoned And the wife I saw you beat?   *cough* It's to be hoped that he didn't sleep with his children. Okay, that's not what Everclear meant... I'm thinking now of what a huge, important figure in a little boy's life his dad can be, how much of the world would disappear with him... one of the earliest lessons Allen learned in life must have been that the people he loved and needed most could disappear, beyond his power to do anything about it, without warning or any very good reason. Which sounds like a super way to ensure night terrors and bedwetting. To be entirely fair to Leon, there is no indication that he ever hit or physically hurt Encia, so he's one up on 'Father of Mine' in that respect. Whee, just neglect, instead of abuse. ---- I will never be safe, I will never be sane. I will always be weird inside, I will always be lame. Now I am a grown man, With a child of my own, And I swear that I'm not gonna let her know All the pain I have known.   'Weird inside.' Now there's a good description of Allen - beautiful, strong and in control on the outside, but very, very weird inside. Everclear's singer lacks an advantage Allen had, possibly a saving grace - he was able to meet his father again, bridging the gap between life and death, to hear Leon answer some of the questions this song poses, and perhaps most importantly, to hear him say that he knew he was wrong and he was sorry. ---- From this closure, some kind of forgiveness and healing may be able to grow. The stranger has become a knowable man; his motives and feelings are there to be seen, and they are human, understandable. Allen may even be able to see how like his father he is in some ways, but that will probably be a distressing realisation. It should be some comfort for him to know that he is unlike him in the most important way; he has not let down the people who needed him. Or... has he? Because the singer has an advantage Allen doesn't; he can make that promise for his daughter, that he'll be there as she grows up and give her his love. Allen too is a grown man with a child of his own; a child born when he was not much more than a child, and got himself in over his head in a love-affair whose wellspring I discuss more fully in Love and Other Neuroses. On the one hand, he can't tell Chid about their relationship without robbing him of his belief in his mother and 'father''s marriage, possibly his good opinion of his mother's character, and what comfort there is to be derived from his noble 'father''s memory. It's one thing to know your parents loved each other and your father was a brave, good man who gave up his life protecting you and your country; quite another to know that you are illegitimate and your mother was forced to marry a man who, however kind and good he was, and however much he loved you, was not your father. That was the guy you grew up hero-worshipping, the guy who sorely tested your faith in him, and was unable to save you from having to make the hardest decision of your life and surrender your nation to the forces of violent expansionism. Want him instead? On the other, Chid is an orphan, a young child alone, with terrible responsibilities. He's outstandingly brave, clever and mature for his age, but he should not be without someone to love him. How can Allen, in good conscience, allow him to grow up that way? It's not that the lies he believes are harmful in themselves; they save a lady's honour and reflect a good man's faithful and all-accepting love of his wife and adopted son. But as long as they stand Allen can never be a father to a little boy he can't help but love and identify with all too painfully. He is trapped into repeating the pattern his father established, unless he decides to try to help Chid by doing something that will inevitably also hurt him. Walk away without even giving Chid his true name, or try to walk with him, holding his hand and breaking his heart at the same time? Talk about angst. Talk about doubt and confusion. Talk about potential for a sequel! **Home